6 Weeks

So today marks 6 weeks of "officially" waiting for a visa.  We are now 11 weeks past court.  I can't believe that we have been waiting this long.  If you look at what's been happening with timelines for other families, nobody has waited this long since September of 2010.  Prior to September 2010 these timelines were very long but that was due to an investigation into the Ethiopian Adoption Program.  The immigration officers at CIC had sent out a memo stating that timelines were going to be 12-16 weeks but even after that statement, they were still issuing visas in a fast manner.  I had hopes that we would be able to continue that trend.  Well, I'm finding out very quickly that you need to guard your heart through every step of the process.  We have reached another hurdle.  I have no idea how long it's going to be before we get "the call".  It could be next week or, God forbid, weeks from now.  I just can't stand this waiting anymore.  I can't stand the unknown aspects.  I feel right back where I was prior to our referral wondering if today is the day.  Not having control or knowledge about what is going on in your life is very stressful for me.  I'm having terrible dreams, I second guess myself all the time, my mind is so scattered.  I'm grumpy and weepy.  I have mood swings.  I know these behaviours are "normal" for the amount of stress and disappointment we've had but I'm just so tired of feelignthis way.  The honeymoon phase of a referral and passing court has definitely passed.  Now I just want my son home.  I want to be the one to rock him to sleep each night.  I want to hug & kiss him.  I want to see how he's growing with my own eyes.  I want to help him withhis development.  I'm sick of seeing him in pictures and knowing that while, he's being cared for, he isn't gettting the love & attention he could be getting from Brian & I.  He needs to come home to his parents and the rest of the family who love him.  I'm trying so hard to fight this depression I feel sinking it's claws into me.  I'm fighting this constant feeling of anger.  I fighting this deep & unyeilding sadness.  I don't understand why this process takes so long.  I don't understand why this program couldn't just work things out and issue this paperwork when we are there.  It seems so wrong to me that I'm here in Canada and Addis is in Ethiopia.  A mother should never be separated from her child.  I don't understand why leaving him in institutional care seems like a good idea.  These kids have already had so many changes, traumas, delays, etc.  Why add to that by leaving them in institutional care where the problem will only be compounded.  I'm trying so hard to find the strength to go but I really don't know how to do that anymore.  I'm tired.  I guess I don't have a choice.  I will wait because that's all I can do.  I will count off each day and try to remind myself that I am one day closer to being with Addis again.  Addis, mommy loves you.  I will keep fighting & waiting until you are home.  xoxoxo baby.