Wednesday, March 30, 2011

6 Weeks

So today marks 6 weeks of "officially" waiting for a visa.  We are now 11 weeks past court.  I can't believe that we have been waiting this long.  If you look at what's been happening with timelines for other families, nobody has waited this long since September of 2010.  Prior to September 2010 these timelines were very long but that was due to an investigation into the Ethiopian Adoption Program.  The immigration officers at CIC had sent out a memo stating that timelines were going to be 12-16 weeks but even after that statement, they were still issuing visas in a fast manner.  I had hopes that we would be able to continue that trend.  Well, I'm finding out very quickly that you need to guard your heart through every step of the process.  We have reached another hurdle.  I have no idea how long it's going to be before we get "the call".  It could be next week or, God forbid, weeks from now.  I just can't stand this waiting anymore.  I can't stand the unknown aspects.  I feel right back where I was prior to our referral wondering if today is the day.  Not having control or knowledge about what is going on in your life is very stressful for me.  I'm having terrible dreams, I second guess myself all the time, my mind is so scattered.  I'm grumpy and weepy.  I have mood swings.  I know these behaviours are "normal" for the amount of stress and disappointment we've had but I'm just so tired of feelignthis way.  The honeymoon phase of a referral and passing court has definitely passed.  Now I just want my son home.  I want to be the one to rock him to sleep each night.  I want to hug & kiss him.  I want to see how he's growing with my own eyes.  I want to help him withhis development.  I'm sick of seeing him in pictures and knowing that while, he's being cared for, he isn't gettting the love & attention he could be getting from Brian & I.  He needs to come home to his parents and the rest of the family who love him.  I'm trying so hard to fight this depression I feel sinking it's claws into me.  I'm fighting this constant feeling of anger.  I fighting this deep & unyeilding sadness.  I don't understand why this process takes so long.  I don't understand why this program couldn't just work things out and issue this paperwork when we are there.  It seems so wrong to me that I'm here in Canada and Addis is in Ethiopia.  A mother should never be separated from her child.  I don't understand why leaving him in institutional care seems like a good idea.  These kids have already had so many changes, traumas, delays, etc.  Why add to that by leaving them in institutional care where the problem will only be compounded.  I'm trying so hard to find the strength to go but I really don't know how to do that anymore.  I'm tired.  I guess I don't have a choice.  I will wait because that's all I can do.  I will count off each day and try to remind myself that I am one day closer to being with Addis again.  Addis, mommy loves you.  I will keep fighting & waiting until you are home.  xoxoxo baby.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess that I have stalked my baby registry to see what people have bought for us

I confess that I have laughed out loud 3 times today because of what I read on other people blogs or emails that were sent to me

I confess that today my jeans feel so tight I would give my left arm for some yoga pants

I confess we just got photos of Addy and it reduced me to tears.  He's 9 months old today

I confess that when news of Addis comes in I don't get any work done for the rest of the day

I confess that I stopped mid post for the past hour so I could email back & forth with other AP's and share our update photos.  Thanks for sharing ladies!

I confess that I haven't packed my stuff for our trip back to Ethiopia because I'm afraid that packing it will jinx us about the call

I confess that I'm still one of those people who STILL watch Survivor but this season I'm really not feeling it.  It's finally become old.  It's embarrassing to say that it took 20 seasons (give or take) for me to say this

I confess that I have nothing on my desk and I've been doing other peoples work to stay busy

I confess that I only went to the gym once this week.  I'm finding it impossible to get out of bed.

I confess that last night I had a disturbing dream that I had a huge bald spot on my head and I tried to cover it with a comb over.  Obviously this is an anxiety dream.

I confess I have a reoccuring anxiety dream that my teeth are falling out.  My dream always has me losing my teeth and they start falling out while I'm talking to someone and I try to hide the fact my teeth are falling out

I confess that I'm soooo over the snow & cold.  I really hate winter.  I love summer, sunshine & hot weather.  My "go to" mental tidy activity is to lie out on the sun and read a good book while listening to music and soaking up rays

I confess I will go home tonight and have Brian load the new photos onto a stick thingy and head straight to Walmart to print them off so I can add Addy's new photos to my brag book

I confess my heart melts when my niece does this.... she looks at Addy's photo and says "Addis, come home".  She 2 and cute as a button.  Do you think if we sent a video of that to Nairobi it would light a match and speed this up

I confess I'm not opposed to using a 2 year old to speed this process up

I confess I'm going to the mall to buy some shoes for the wedding I'm going to tomorrow.  I'm recycling a dress so I should at least get new shoes.

I confess I can't go to a function (wedding, funeral, Xmas party) without something new to wear


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Mixed Bag

My emotions are all over the place.  It's like a mixed bag.  Some days I wake up feeling hopeful & optimistic and then other days I wake up hating everything.  This week has been rough.  I got caught up in the hype of visa excitement.  There was a family who had court about a month before us and they got their visa at the 8 week mark.  They went the PRV route which typically takes a little longer then CIT.  I really thought this week could be the week we got "THE CALL".  I was so convinced that I actually cleared out my desk.  I wanted to be prepared to leave within the hour of getting the call so that I could go home and start packing and making flight arragements.  Needless to say, the disappointment that this wasn't THE week came crashing down pretty hard.  I'm grateful for being at this part of the journey.  I know there are families that would love to be in my position and I certainly don't take for granted that we are very lucky to have a referral, passed court successfully and be so close to bringing home our son.  Having said that, I just can't stop feeling angry about being so far away from Addis and how long this is taking.  An hour feels like a day, a day feels like a week and so on and so forth.  I just want my little boy home, in my arms where he belongs.  It's not right for a mother and child to be so far apart.  I want to be the one snuggling him and kissing him goodnight.  I want to see him progress.  I think that's the one thing I'd improve if I could.  Well, except for the obvious of being able to just leave with our children after court.  If all things had to stay the same, I would change the process of updates.  I would send an update more then once a month.  I would send pictures several times a month and I would include more information then just the height & weight.  I would also make sure that when I say I'm going to send photos/info, I do it.  People count on these updates and look forward to them all month.  I want to know real things about Addis.  Like if he's crawling, has he cut any teeth and how many, is he eating any solid foods or is he still on formula, what formula does he eat.  I want to know my son.  I hate that I don't know much about him and that I'm missing him growing up.  He's almost 9 months old.  It has been almost 5 months since we got our referral.  As each month passes I grow more anxious for him to be home.  I really want Addis to be home for his 1st birthday.  I want to start celebrating his milestones together.  Ring phone, ring!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A Little Hope.....

I had the opportunity to talk to my best friend tonight.  It's amazing the healing power of a good friend.  I truly believe that without friends we wouldn't have made it through the past few years.  Friends, you know who you are!  My very best friend Hope lives hours & hours away.  We haven't seen each other in 2.5 years but I know, without a doubt, that she loves me and has my back.  This lady is the kindest and most patient person I have ever met.  When I talk to Hope, I just feel better.  New.  Centered.  Peaceful.  Loved.  It's hard to described a friendship like ours.  We haven't known each other that long but I feel like we were meant to be friends.  I met Hope the night before my wedding.  November 22, 2002.  Brian had known Hope & Allen since he was a teenager.  These people were very important to him and he wanted them at our wedding.  I wondered "what the hell am I going to have in common with these people and if they are so damned important, why haven't I met them before now"  Little did I know, they would become very important to me too.  The night I met Hope & Allen was the night of our rehearsal dinner.  I felt very stressed out.  I went for retail therapy and told Brian he could expect me "sometime".  When I met him at the church, I got out of the car and this man came over to me, grabbed me, picked me up and said "welcome to the family".  Instantly, I knew I was part of the fmaily.  This man really meant it.  Because he knew Brian and because I loved Brian, I was family.  IEver since, we have formed a family.  Hope & Allen are some of the most important people in my life.  I wish I had the opportunity it say it more, but I love these two people so much. We rarely see each other, but when we do, we just click.  I love them.  I truly wish life was differnet and "things" didn't get in the way and we could see each other more and that we lived closer but, nobody, ever, could replace Hope & Allen.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess that today I had the day off work and even though I could have slept in, I woke up at 5:20am and went to spin class.  I had promised myself I would get to the gym 4 times this week and since I won't have time this weekend, it was a matter of go this morning or break my promise

I confess that I went to Niagara Falls with the hubby to the Coach outlet.  I exchanged a wallet for one I liked better and had more card space and a section for my change.  It cost a little more money but not too much.

I confess that I also popped into the Carter store and bough Addis 2 pairs of jeans.  Poor little boy has tons of shirts but no pants

I confess I realized today that we don't have any socks for him and all the shoes we've been given are for an older child.  Addis is going to be known as Shoeless Joe if I don't fix this situation.  I'm afraid we'll have to wait until we are in Ethiopia though as I don't know his shoe size

I confess that I just bought him some Little People toys.  Yes, more.  Stop judging!  It was a pirate ship.  Who could resist?

I confess that I'm very excited about my pedicure appointment tomorrow.  Massage chair, here I come!

I confess that all the changes in the Ethiopia adoption program have worried me

I confess that I really want to hear news about our visa in the next 2 weeks because I want to finish this process with people I know and have dealt with over the past 3 years.  After the bankruptcy I just don't have the level of trust I had before.  Now I think everyone is shady

I confess that the visa news this week got me so excited.  Our file is in the next group of families!!!! OMG!!!!

I confess that today we put the dogs in the trunk of the Santa Fe with the dog barrier because we want the dogs to get use to this change before Addis comes home so they don't associate a big change with Addis.  Jax is so darn smart that I know he'd put two & two together and think "that little bugger is the reason I'm back here" and get bent out of shape.  Neither Jax or Oz like to share mommy time so we want to minimize jealousy as much as possible and not make our changes after Addis is home.  Anyway, Jax lost his shit the entire car ride.  You'd think we were killing him listening to the fuss he kicked up.  Sorry kid, it's just not safe to have two 90 pound dogs & a baby in the backseat.  We all need to make sacrifices

I confess that we are almost 99% decided that we will be moving

I confess that I got a bonus and I feel more comfortable about the month where I have no money coming in.  I have to put in a 2 week waiting period and then when that's up it takes another 2 weeks before the EI checks start coming in.  We are putting the bonus in the bank and will use it once my parental leave starts.  It sure does help.  Thank you work!

I confess that I feel very lucky.  I have family & friends who love the little boy very much.  He has an abundance of love and for that, I am/we are very blessed

I confess I'm a homebody.  Nothing I like better then a quiet night at home

Friday, March 11, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess that I love the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I think it's a cleverly written show.  It is so funny.  I own all the seasons on DVD and have probably watched then 10 times.  LOVE IT!

I confess I named my dog Oz after one of the charcters on the show Buffy.  I'm also a Seth Green fan. 

I confess that I really can't stand peopel who wear brown & gray together.  I also confess I'm not sure if I've said this before but it really does deserve repeating..... Brown & Gray DO NOT MATCH!

I confess that I have now gained 7 pounds.  I'm officially a fat kid and in need of a serious intervention.  I'm talking the kind where all my friends gather to tell me I need help while standing under a banner that says INTERVENTION and tell me to put the food down.

I confess today is my birthday and I was secretly hoping to spend it with Addis.

I confess I haven't been a big fan of my birthday for the past 7 years.  This year is a little better because at least I'm finally a mom.

I confess that we bought the Sante Fe we test drove last week and we pick it up tonight.

I confess that it is really crappy here today with all the snow & ice but I'm grateful it's not earthquakes & tsunamis.

I confess I really need the warmer weather to come.  This dreary weather is bringing me down

I confess that my anxiety has flared up again and I'm back to being my own version of one of my favourtie childhood books The Paperbag Princess.  I carry around a brown paper bag to breath in when my chest closes up.

I confess I just sent out the invite for my own baby shower which I'm insisting everyone call a baby party because I hate showers.  My mom didn't know how to send Evites so I had to help her out.  I felt a little like I was saying please send presents.

I confess that I put in a little extra effort for casual Friday because it's my birthday

I confess that I taught Oz to sing along to the CSI theme song and now every time he hears it he stops what he's doing, runs over to me and throw his head back and starts howling in tune to the song.  I love that he does this.

I confess that Jax chasing his tail makes me laugh.  It's a stupid thing to laugh about but I do everytime.  I think sometimes he does it on purpose because he knows it makes me laugh

I confess that the show Wipeout also makes me laugh.  I'm sick, I need help.  Nothing is funnier then people falling.  I get this wicked belly laugh when people jump on the big red balls.  My favourite thing to see is someone bounce face first into the big red ball and see their legs come up behind them so they kick themselves in the head.  Classic!  I'm chuckling just thinking about it

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Is it ever a good time to move?

So Brian & I are in the big do we don't we debate.  There are so many pros & cons and I totally can't decide what the right decision is.  I think maybe I need to put them in writing.  Maybe this will help settle the matter in my head.  So looking at it in the perspective of moving here are the pros & cons

  • Going on parental leave soon - is it a good idea to make financial changes when one income will be significantly reduced
  • This has been our home for almost 9 years and I love it
  • Empty rooms we can't afford to furnish
  • Too many changes?? We are hopefully bringing Addis home soon, is it the best idea to have such a big change so soon? How will the dogs adjust?  Bringing home a new family member and then moving might be too much for them too.
  • The buying & selling process - looking at houses every night & weekend for weeks, trying to unclutter the house and keep it clean for showing

  • More space - closets, cupboards, more living space
  • Will know where we will be for at least the next few years so will know where to look for daycare
  • Detached home - no noisy neighbour banging on common wall
  • Garage - storage & won't have to scrape my car in the winter
  • Can wipe out credit cards and possibly put money in the bank

I guess the biggest question I have it ever a good time to move????? 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess that people who wear tops/pants that have the same colours but totally different patterns really bug me.  I want to ask them if they looked in a mirror.  Just because the top & bottom both have blues, greens & yellows, doesn't mean they match. 

I confess that I've been having a bad week

I confess that I don't like people in my personal space.  I get claustrophobic in crowds.  I could get stuck on an elevator by myself and would be fine but put my in a stuck crowded elevator.  Different story.

I confess that I love pasta.  I could eat it day & night.  Red sauce, alfredo, whatever, I love it all.

I confess I have a hard & fast rule if it comes from the sea, it's not for me.

I confess that I look at Addis's photo about a hundred times a day

I confess Brian & I are in the great "do we/don't we" debate about moving.  Moving & staying both have pros & cons and I don't know what the right choice is

I confess we test drove a Santa Fe this week and loved it.  I have missed having an SUV to drive

I confess I haven't gotten back to my regular routine of going to the gym but at least I did get there this week a few times.  Still room for improvement

I confess that I really want a bowl of popcorn for dinner tonight and a glass of wine.  It really has been a rough week

I confess I have no idea how to post pictures here so if anyone reading has the patience to teach me you'd be my new best friend

I confess that I live by the saying "Fake it till you make it"

I confess I love the comments people leave me.  It's nice to know someone is listening

I confess these days I have the attention span of a gnat.  I've developed a serios case of A.D.D.

I confess that people who complain about other people at work really bug me.  Seriously, if you have time to complain about someone else showing up 5 minutes late, or the million other things people seem to complain about it means you need more work!!!!  Just do your job and get over it

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Renewing Health Card & Driver's License

I had to renew both my health card & my driver's license this year.  It's normally a real drag but this year it was... dare I say... a pleasure.  I renewed my license plate sticker on-line.  That took less then 5 minutes and I didn't need to leave the comfort of my own home.  I was wearing jammies while doing it.  I then booked an appointment to do my health card.  My appointment was at 3:15pm today.  I arrive at about 3:10.  I was directed to the receoptionist.  I spoke with her and told her I had an appointment at 3:15.  She asked if I had all the required documents, which I did.  She gave me a number and said the next available person would call my number.  Sure enough, the next available person called my number.  I went up and gave her my forms and forms of I.D.  She asked if I wanted to renew my driver's license as well.  I told her I didn't realize I could do that there but I had my form out in the car.  She told me to get it and she continued working on my health card.  I got the form and she zipped through both, asked if I wanted to do the sticker too but since I had already done that I didn't need to.  It was so quick and easy. I couldn't believe it.  I was out the door and heading home by 3:25.  Oh, if all paperwork & red tape could be taken care of so easily.