Mixed Bag

My emotions are all over the place.  It's like a mixed bag.  Some days I wake up feeling hopeful & optimistic and then other days I wake up hating everything.  This week has been rough.  I got caught up in the hype of visa excitement.  There was a family who had court about a month before us and they got their visa at the 8 week mark.  They went the PRV route which typically takes a little longer then CIT.  I really thought this week could be the week we got "THE CALL".  I was so convinced that I actually cleared out my desk.  I wanted to be prepared to leave within the hour of getting the call so that I could go home and start packing and making flight arragements.  Needless to say, the disappointment that this wasn't THE week came crashing down pretty hard.  I'm grateful for being at this part of the journey.  I know there are families that would love to be in my position and I certainly don't take for granted that we are very lucky to have a referral, passed court successfully and be so close to bringing home our son.  Having said that, I just can't stop feeling angry about being so far away from Addis and how long this is taking.  An hour feels like a day, a day feels like a week and so on and so forth.  I just want my little boy home, in my arms where he belongs.  It's not right for a mother and child to be so far apart.  I want to be the one snuggling him and kissing him goodnight.  I want to see him progress.  I think that's the one thing I'd improve if I could.  Well, except for the obvious of being able to just leave with our children after court.  If all things had to stay the same, I would change the process of updates.  I would send an update more then once a month.  I would send pictures several times a month and I would include more information then just the height & weight.  I would also make sure that when I say I'm going to send photos/info, I do it.  People count on these updates and look forward to them all month.  I want to know real things about Addis.  Like if he's crawling, has he cut any teeth and how many, is he eating any solid foods or is he still on formula, what formula does he eat.  I want to know my son.  I hate that I don't know much about him and that I'm missing him growing up.  He's almost 9 months old.  It has been almost 5 months since we got our referral.  As each month passes I grow more anxious for him to be home.  I really want Addis to be home for his 1st birthday.  I want to start celebrating his milestones together.  Ring phone, ring!