Music Monday

So in a post last week I said I found music inspirational and that I would post on Mondays for the next little while music that has inspired me in one way or another.  After another frustrating day in the adoption world, I could use a little inspiration.  Here are some song lyrics I found inspiring and why.

Miracles Happen - Myra
You showed me faith is not blind

I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe
(miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to life
That taking a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

This is just a little snippet from the song.  This song reminded me to believe that our adoption would be completed.  I just needed to give it some time, but it would happen.


Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to loose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
And I know some day that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timin and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazin
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all’s fair in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazin
And bein in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
Oh you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah
I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet
Oh promise you kid to give so much more than I get
I said love love love love love love love
I just haven't met you yet

So, ok, I know that this song is a love song for couples but the words really spoke to me.  Every single time I heard this song I would think of Addis.  I knew I hadn't met him but I already loved him and I would do anything for him. 

And the last song is perhaps the one I need to be reminded of most today.

Bless The Broken Road - Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Our path to Addis hasn't been very straight or easy but we are on this path for a reason.  Everything happened, including the bankruptcy, so that we could be this little boy's mommy & daddy.  Our road has been broken and difficult but it was also blessed becuase it led us to Addis.  Without those bumps in the road, we would have ended up with another child and that's not what was meant to be.   Today is just another twisty turn in our road but it's for a reason.  Maybe I don't know what it is but there is a plan, a destiny and we will be together when the time is right. 

Naming Your Child

I just read a blog that prompted me to write this.  It is something that is near & dear to the hearts of all parents and perhaps somehow more special to adoptive parents because it's not only something we thought we would never be able to do but something that maybe we feel we don't have a right to do.  On a personal note, the whole name change idea is something we struggled with for a very long time.  And don't get me started on other people giving you their opinion of the names you choose.  We have given our son a new name and we are keeping his given name as a middle name.  Our sons name will be Addis Yonatan.  It wasn't until after we came to this conclusion that I discovered the meaning of the names and now I'm more convinced then ever that we should keep the names exactly as they are.  Yonatan means Given by God and Addis means New.  His name translated loosley is newly given by God.  I'm not an overly religious person (I don't have strong opinions one way or the other - mostly still trying to find my way and open to others opinions, but that's neither here nor there at this moment) but that had a very profound effect on me.  Back in January we had the opportunity to attend a seminar with 3 adult adoptees on the panel and they had some interesting comments on the subject or naming adoptees.  All we in favour of a new Western name.  These particular adoptees were from Vietnam (2) and Korea (1).  Only one of the adoptees had the personal information of what their given name was and this individuals parents decided to use it as a middle name.  The other two came from circumstances where this information was not available.  During the question & answer period my husband asked if they were happy their names had been changed and did thye feel their names were "stolen" from them.  They all agreed that thye were happy to have Western names as it made them feel as though they belonged.  The one person who had their given name as their middle name said that they were happy to have both and the choice as they got older which one they wanted to use.  This is exactly what Brian & I are choosing to do.  Our son can decide what he wants to be called.  We didn't want to "steal" his identity.  This is a very hot button issue in the adoption community.  I feel it is every parents right to want to choose names for their children.  We would be able to if we had given birth.  However, given the circumstances in which we became parents, we do have a responsibility to be sensitive to our children and give them some say in their identity.  Totally my two cents, certainly not the final say.

Snappy Sunday

What is it about house cleaning & painting that make couples want to break out the boxing gloves?  We are spending the day cleaning our house to try to get it ready for a real estate agent to come by tomorrow night and all we've done is snap at each other.  We've turned into the Snappersons.  You know that couple, the ones who snap & snarl whenever they speak to each other.  I think we're going to have to pull out the old "one, two, three, nice" trick.  We agreed years ago that once we both said these words, at the same time, we had to start being nice and go back to being the happy loving Sandau couple instead of the Snappersons. 

Oh, how I hate cleaning the house.  You know, the real kind of cleaning, where you actually dust & scrub all the nooks & crannies.  I'm guilty of being a surface cleaner most of the time, I'm more of a tidier if I'm being really honest.  How does one person accumulate so much crap?  And why do we think we need it?

I think we are both just a little on edge.  Why we think adding moving to our already full plate is a good idea is beyond me, but here we are.  I guess I just need to listen to the banging going on next door to remind me of one of the major reasons we think it's a good idea.  If I had my way, which if highly unlikely because I'm pretty sure I haven't had things my way in years, we could just I Dream Of Jeannie ourselves into a new home and skip all this looking for a house, having open houses, dealing with paperwork stuff.  Ugh!  That's the part that's less fun.  I'm going to try to focus on the good things.... ensuite, garage, two or more bathrooms, walk in closet, more cupboard space in the kitchen, finished basement.

I think I'm going to order pizza tonight because after all this cleaning, I really don't feel like cooking!

There goes my quiet weekend......

Have you ever had neighbours you don't like?  Have you been unfortunate enough to be attached to them?  Well, I have.  I absolutely hate our neighbour.  The sound of his voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  He has lived next door for 2 years now and everytime I hear him or see him I feel like I want to scream.  He is the biggest reason we want to move.  He bangs on the wall and has zero consideration for the noise and disruption he causes.  When he moved in he started doing renovations.  Ok, so we were patient.  I understand wanting to make your home your own.  But here we are 2 years later and he's still not got the renos done and his yard & house are a total disaster.  He paints the walls each wall in one room a differnt colour.  His yard is full of weeds and the backyard is full of crap.  He doesn't really have enough money to do the renos which is part of why it's dragged on for so long.  He's just a pain in my butt.  He actually told my husband he spent time in prison & a mental institution.  He gets a serious case of crazy eyes when you try to talk to him about something.  He leaves his doors wide open and leaves for hours at a time.  A neighbourhood cat could wander in a set up shop except for the fact that the place is a shit hole and no cat is dumb enough to live there.  He has kids, who were terribly behaved.  The youngest started stabbing outdoor furniture cushions when he didn't get his way.  So obviously, mental stability runs in the family.  It's not nice to say but after a few months the wife left and took the kids with her.  Yay!!!! At least now we don't have to listen to their domestic disputes and the kids screaming at all hours.  We have nothing planned this weekend and I was actually enjoying some peace & quiet.  I was getting a nice mental tidy and trying to regroup after a frustrating few weeks waiting for the visa.  I was hanging out doing a little cleaning here & there, catching up on my soaps and then the phone rang.  I should have known better then to just pick up without looking at the caller ID.  The phone had been ringing and I was upstairs so I raced for it and without thinking, hit "TALK".  Neighbour.  Ugh, I wanted to put on a fake accent and pretend I was the maid or something.  He was saying something about his shower leaking and it dripping down into the kitchen below.  He could hear it when someone was having a shower.  What??? Who's there now?  He brought in some girl for a few months until she had to go back to her country.  Lord only knows what sort of freaks & losers he'd bring in to live with him because any normal person would take one look at him & his house and run in the opposite direction.  Ok, so I know I should have more patience, he obviously can't leave a leaky shower and at least this time he called about the noise and asked if there was a better time to replace his shower & fix the leaks but all I can think is "you've wrecked my quiet weekend, I hate you, why did you have to move in next door, go away".  I'm actually at the point where I don't even care if we get a bigger house, I just want a detached house.  I want to be away from Bangy Magee (this is what I call him).  He's so broke he has tried renting his rooms out, renting his Airstream trailer, then tried selling the trailer.  I just want to be away from this man.  There is something seriously wrong with this man and the sooner we are away from him the better.

Confession Friday

I confess that I have been putting off buying a dress for my friends wedding April 16 but finally broker down yesterday and bought one.  I kept thinking that I wouldn't be there for it so didn't want to spend the money but in light of things taking so long with the visa and such a lack of info, I think it may be longer then we hoped so I might as well look great for this wedding.

I confess that the dress is strapless and I have never worn a strapless dress.  I don't think I have the body for it but my friends swear this is "THE DRESS".  It's navy blue and very pretty.  Hopefully I work that dress.

I confess that I went to a bar for my friends bachlorette party and I felt out of place.  I felt too old to be going to bars.  I was also waaaaay over dressed.  I had been at a wedding earlier in the evening and was trying to combine the events.  The only way I could make both was to come straight from the wedding.  But, the result was a lovely cocktail dress at a country bar.

I confess that I've barely been to the gym again.  I just can't find the get up & go I need to actually get there. 

I confess I did go this morning and will make a good effort to go over the next 2 weeks since I'm wearing a strapless dress. 

I confess I am having a good hair day.  I'm surprised by this because my hair has been really crappy lately.  It just won't behave the way I want it to

I confess I am a little irritable today.  I think it's a combination of PMS and the fact that Imagine's doors are closing today and I STILL don't have contact info for our new agency.  A little worried about what comes next

I confess that today I am going to East Side Mario's for lunch for my friends work wedding shower and I'm really looking forward to the caesar salad.  Yummy!!  Since this is confession Friday, I've actually been looking forward to eating it all week. Ok, so that totally makes me a fat kid. 

I confess I ate a brownie and a piece fell off and I thought it fell to the floor but it landed on my chair and I sat in it and now I have crushed brownie on my butt

I confess that I had a really good cuddle with my dogs & hubby last night.  We had some real quality family time and that has improved my mood

I confess that I love to sing.  I'm not sure I'm particularly good at it, but I love to belt out a song.

I confess that there are some songs that have really given me hope & inspiration over the past few years.  I think for the next little while I will post the lyrics to some of these songs on Monday and call it Music Monday

I confess I was on Romper Room as a child.  I was only 3 and wasn't supposed to be on the show but one kid didn't show up so they asked my parents if I could fill in since we were there for my sister to be on the show

6 Weeks

So today marks 6 weeks of "officially" waiting for a visa.  We are now 11 weeks past court.  I can't believe that we have been waiting this long.  If you look at what's been happening with timelines for other families, nobody has waited this long since September of 2010.  Prior to September 2010 these timelines were very long but that was due to an investigation into the Ethiopian Adoption Program.  The immigration officers at CIC had sent out a memo stating that timelines were going to be 12-16 weeks but even after that statement, they were still issuing visas in a fast manner.  I had hopes that we would be able to continue that trend.  Well, I'm finding out very quickly that you need to guard your heart through every step of the process.  We have reached another hurdle.  I have no idea how long it's going to be before we get "the call".  It could be next week or, God forbid, weeks from now.  I just can't stand this waiting anymore.  I can't stand the unknown aspects.  I feel right back where I was prior to our referral wondering if today is the day.  Not having control or knowledge about what is going on in your life is very stressful for me.  I'm having terrible dreams, I second guess myself all the time, my mind is so scattered.  I'm grumpy and weepy.  I have mood swings.  I know these behaviours are "normal" for the amount of stress and disappointment we've had but I'm just so tired of feelignthis way.  The honeymoon phase of a referral and passing court has definitely passed.  Now I just want my son home.  I want to be the one to rock him to sleep each night.  I want to hug & kiss him.  I want to see how he's growing with my own eyes.  I want to help him withhis development.  I'm sick of seeing him in pictures and knowing that while, he's being cared for, he isn't gettting the love & attention he could be getting from Brian & I.  He needs to come home to his parents and the rest of the family who love him.  I'm trying so hard to fight this depression I feel sinking it's claws into me.  I'm fighting this constant feeling of anger.  I fighting this deep & unyeilding sadness.  I don't understand why this process takes so long.  I don't understand why this program couldn't just work things out and issue this paperwork when we are there.  It seems so wrong to me that I'm here in Canada and Addis is in Ethiopia.  A mother should never be separated from her child.  I don't understand why leaving him in institutional care seems like a good idea.  These kids have already had so many changes, traumas, delays, etc.  Why add to that by leaving them in institutional care where the problem will only be compounded.  I'm trying so hard to find the strength to go but I really don't know how to do that anymore.  I'm tired.  I guess I don't have a choice.  I will wait because that's all I can do.  I will count off each day and try to remind myself that I am one day closer to being with Addis again.  Addis, mommy loves you.  I will keep fighting & waiting until you are home.  xoxoxo baby.

Confession Friday

I confess that I have stalked my baby registry to see what people have bought for us

I confess that I have laughed out loud 3 times today because of what I read on other people blogs or emails that were sent to me

I confess that today my jeans feel so tight I would give my left arm for some yoga pants

I confess we just got photos of Addy and it reduced me to tears.  He's 9 months old today

I confess that when news of Addis comes in I don't get any work done for the rest of the day

I confess that I stopped mid post for the past hour so I could email back & forth with other AP's and share our update photos.  Thanks for sharing ladies!

I confess that I haven't packed my stuff for our trip back to Ethiopia because I'm afraid that packing it will jinx us about the call

I confess that I'm still one of those people who STILL watch Survivor but this season I'm really not feeling it.  It's finally become old.  It's embarrassing to say that it took 20 seasons (give or take) for me to say this

I confess that I have nothing on my desk and I've been doing other peoples work to stay busy

I confess that I only went to the gym once this week.  I'm finding it impossible to get out of bed.

I confess that last night I had a disturbing dream that I had a huge bald spot on my head and I tried to cover it with a comb over.  Obviously this is an anxiety dream.

I confess I have a reoccuring anxiety dream that my teeth are falling out.  My dream always has me losing my teeth and they start falling out while I'm talking to someone and I try to hide the fact my teeth are falling out

I confess that I'm soooo over the snow & cold.  I really hate winter.  I love summer, sunshine & hot weather.  My "go to" mental tidy activity is to lie out on the sun and read a good book while listening to music and soaking up rays

I confess I will go home tonight and have Brian load the new photos onto a stick thingy and head straight to Walmart to print them off so I can add Addy's new photos to my brag book

I confess my heart melts when my niece does this.... she looks at Addy's photo and says "Addis, come home".  She 2 and cute as a button.  Do you think if we sent a video of that to Nairobi it would light a match and speed this up

I confess I'm not opposed to using a 2 year old to speed this process up

I confess I'm going to the mall to buy some shoes for the wedding I'm going to tomorrow.  I'm recycling a dress so I should at least get new shoes.

I confess I can't go to a function (wedding, funeral, Xmas party) without something new to wear