I woke up this morning and went about my day. The day started early. Addis woke up at 5:20am. It took about an hour to get him back to sleep but then he slept for another two hours. We woke up again at 8:45am. We got up, said good morning to the doggies, I made myself a tea and fed him his pureed bananas. I took a shower and started getting ready to go out for brunch with my dad. It was like any other day. It wasn't until I checked out a yahoo board that I am part of that I was reminded what today actually is. How could I forget? I guess it wasn't that I forgot, so much as lost track of my days. As soon as I realized that today is the two year anniversary of the bankruptcy all those feelings came flooding back. It amazes me that even after all this time it still can cut deeply.
July 13, 2009. That day will forever mean something to me. Two years ago the adoption agency we were using went bankrupt. Not only did it go bankrupt but there were allegations of fraud. There were families left not knowing what would happen to the children that were legally theirs, families who lost referrals of children whose faces they had grown to love and families like Brian & I who had no idea if we would ever be parents. Two years ago my whole world came crashing down on me. I felt like I had lost another baby. I felt like my dreams of a family would never come true. I couldn't stop crying. I was sad, angry and felt so utterly hopeless. I was lost. I went to work and my co-workers and friends would talk to me and I could see their mouths moving but nothing they said registered. I was like a zombie. I had to take some time off work because the stress and anxiety was just too much.
I wanted to do something but it seemed hopeless. How could I ever fix this? I couldn't do anything, but WE, well WE could make all the difference. It took a group of 450 families to make a change. I had a small part in doing the most rewarding thing I've ever been part of. Because families, businesses, politicians, media and so many others stood up and said "this is wrong and this needs to be fixed" we were able to bring the agency out of bankruptcy and move towards the completion of our families. Some families walked away. Some couldn't afford the money to pay the restructuring fees, some just couldn't take the chance of more disappointment and some just had enough. I feel for each of those families. Brian & I took a chance. We stayed with the new agency and for us the gamble paid off.
Today I am in a much different place. Today I was able to get up with my son and play with him and not have a dark cloud hanging over my head. For a very long time I wondered if we would ever see our family complete. Even after the first referral December 16, 2009 I was afraid to believe we would have a child. Even after we were matched to the sweetest boy I had ever seen, I doubted. I don't think I fully trusted that this little boy was mine, was part of our family forever until we were back in Canada with him safely in our home.
The bankruptcy left some very deep scars. I trust less. I smile less. However, slowly those scars are fading. I smiled a lot today. I got to hold Addis and play with him and watch him explore the new world around him and listen to him laugh.
However, today there were also tears. It's hard not to cry when I remember that day. I pray each day that all the families can complete their adoptions and bering children into their lives. I even hope that maybe they too will one day be able to "forget".
I hope that anyone reading this doesn't think that I am being flippant or callous and could "forget" such an important day. I know that I will never forget what happened. It is part of our family history. However, I think not having the bankruptcy on my mind consumming my every thought, which it use to do, is a sign that I have healed, if only just a little.
I am one of the lucky families who has brought a child home under the new agency. I will continue to hope, pray and fight until each family is complete.
Yes, WE can!
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