Friday, March 16, 2012

Confession Friday

I confess it has been 3 months since I last posted. 

I confess I didn't post over the holidays because I actually took the time to sit back and enjoy them.  This was the first year in many years that Brian and I enjoyed Christmas and New Year's.  We didn't have to put a fake smile on to hide the pain.  Gone were the days of "Fake it, til you make it".  We made wonderful memories and started some very special family traditions.  Watching Addis on Christmas morning was a real joy for me.  We also had a nice quiet New Year's Eve at home.  I can't begin to tell you what a relief it was to start a new year knowing our son was upstairs asleep in his bed.

I confess that I didn't post after the holidays because I was getting ready to go back to work and wanted to spend as much time with Addis as possible.

I confess that now that I'm back to work, I don't have a lot of time with Addis so I want to spend as much time with him as possible.  Once he's in bed, I don't feel like being on a computer and it takes me a long time to wind down and actually relax.

I confess I'm not enjoying being back to work.  I love the people I work with but it's a tough adjustment being away from Addis.  I also got moved into a new position and I spend most of my day bored.  Things are really slow at work and we often spend the day reading the paper and trying to kill time.  Ican't wait for Thursday because it's flyer day.  Not only do we have the paper to read but we also have flyers to look at.  It makes for a very long day staring at the clock.  I'm praying things pick up soon or I get moved back to my old job

I confess another reason I haven't posted in a while is because I'm not sure anyone still reads my blog (thanks Jenn for letting me know that you do).

I confess I don't feel that I've had anything interesting to say most days. 

I confess that 3 weeks ago we had to put our dog Oz down.  It was a very painful experience.  Oz was an amazing friend and dear member of our family.  The decision to put him down did not come easily.  Five weeks ago, I got a call at work from Brian telling me I needed to meet him at the hospital because Oz bit Addis.  While I don't think it's acceptable behaviour (EVER) for a dog to bite, there were extenuating circumstances.  Addis is in a terrible hitting stage.  He hits when he doesn't get his way or he's frustrated.  Unfortunately, he often lashes out at the dogs.  Jax is very good natured and doesn't seem affected by Addy's behaviour.  Oz on the other hand, is a sensitive dog.  He had a very rough start in life.  We rescued him from the Humane Society.  He was 1 of 58 labs brought in.  He had to fight for food with the other dogs which made him frightened of other dogs.  While he was at the Humane Society there was such a huge interest in these dogs that literally hundreds of people paraded through trying to adopt one of the labs.  During this time, kids would be banging on the glass which made him a bit skittish of kids.  We worried about what Oz would be like when we brought a child home but he was such a loving dog when he got to know people that we thought it would be ok.  He was fiercely loyal to his family.  Unfortunately, once Addis started hitting, Oz was afraid of him.  Addis would often corner Oz and play very aggressively.  When Oz bit Addis we had to decide what was best for everyone.  We took into account that Oz has had seizures that are stress driven for years.  Oz also had lumps removed just over a year ago and one of them was cancerous.  We recently found lumps again on Oz and they seemed to feel and look that same as the previous lumps so it was very possible he was sick.  More importantly, Oz just didn't seem happy anymore.  His whole life had changed.  Major changes like we brought home a child and moved to a new house.  We also changed his dog food, stopped giving him rawhide bones, timbits and carrots because he had severe allergies that was causing him serious problems.  He seemed, tired, stressed, unhappy and sick.  Taking all of that into consideration and the bite, we decided the best thing was to put him down.  I still can't think about him without crying.  He was such a huge comfort to me during our years of infertility and while waiting for the adoption to be completed.  He was sunshine on some very dark days.  I can honestly say that many days after the bankruptcy of our adoption agency, Oz was the only reason I got out of bed.  He counted on me to take care of him so I couldn't go into a downward spiral of depression.  I will never forget my best buddy.

I confess that we have now been together 10 months with Addis and we could officially update our homestudy and start a new adoption but I'm not ready for that.  I'm not sure I'll ever be.  Our adoption became like an addiction to me and I was completely strung out on all things adoption. I obsessed about every little step.  I was on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 years.  Now that we are home and things have settled into a routine, I just don't see wanting to go through that again.  I'm very happy being a family of three.  Maybe someday, I'll be ready to consider expanding our family.  Maybe not.  For now, I'm happy and content and that is something I haven't felt in years. 
I confess that while I still love a good Nora Roberts book I've been trying to expand my horizons.  So far I have read Secret Daughter, The Help, Sarah's Key, Water For Elephants.  I've also got a stack of books that are just waiting to be read.  Book Of Negroes, Cutting For Stone, There Really Is A Heaven, Coventry, A Secret Kept.  I also recently read the much hyped Twilight series and have the equally as hyped Hunger Games on deck.  I'm always looking for good book suggestions so if there's a book where the story and characters really spoke to you, please feel free to make suggestions.

I confess that I am happily planning a beach vacation for next year.  I'm hoping to go to Jamaica for a week.  This year is our 10 year wedding anniversary so we plan to celebrate by going away.  We have plans with another couple.  There is a specific resort that seems to be calling my name and a co-worker has been there so she gave me a photo of the beach which I will be taping on the display on my treadmill to help motivate me to run a little harder and longer and lose some weight. 

I confess I have signed up for a fitness class 2 days a week at work.  It works out great because I can do this during my lunch break and now I only need to find 2 other days of the week to workout at home.  Hopefully I can get my rear in gear and get it done.  I can't stand the way I feel these days.  It's not good when you look down and your belly is smiling back at you!!! 


  1. The last few months have been busy for you!!! I want to thank you for being such a huge support for me - even as you struggle with so many hard things. Its been so great doing this together! Great book list by the way!! I am reading 'The Book Thief' right now - could not get into "Cutting for Stone" though.. Looking forward to a play date some time soon :)

  2. Sorry to hear that you had to put your dog down :(

    So happy to hear that you enjoyed the holidays as a family of three!

    Ugh, work sounds a bit torturous...being away from Addis and being bored and not feeling on purpose with what you are doing sounds like a recipe for unhappiness. I hope something about the situation changes soon.